So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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