I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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