Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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