So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
