i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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