I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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