So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Randomize