One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
