i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
