yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
