I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
