dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
