God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
