plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Your penis caused this!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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