I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I need a beard to bite.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
