Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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