Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
