The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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