He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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