Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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