I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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