My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
