she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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