the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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