i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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