I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
