My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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