i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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