Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
