Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
