dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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