he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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