By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
