This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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