I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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