guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
