Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize