note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
