I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
