I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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