This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
