Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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