he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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