SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
