Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
