Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
