why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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