Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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