First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Dear god my vagina.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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