ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
is it fun? or sober?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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