I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
