Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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