I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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