It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
