I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
