I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Randomize
