i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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