i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
