I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
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