chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Damn victory sex feels great
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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