I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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