just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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