My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
