Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
